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In a massive coup, the Peoples Republic of Skull Island over through their reigning dictator and self proclaimed king, Kong. The unexpected nighttime raid left thirty dead and all of his royal subjects imprisoned in the island jail, with no word as to what will become of them.

A photo of the former ruler showing his softer side.

President Obama made a statement in which he said that “now is the real test of the people of Skull Island. It’s a time to reflect on all that was wrong with their society and how they will choose to lead for the future.” Critics are confused as to what the president is implying but most think he’s for the coup that took place.

Kong has long held the image of aggressive but misunderstood ruler. One that could tear a woman apart in one swipe but caress a blond with his very next move. He was an ape of very few words and lead his island into the modern world after his notorious visit to New York, where he became captivated by modern technology and chose to educate his people as best he could. His limitations though got the better of him, try as he might he could never get past the fact that he was born a giant, pissed off ape.

He will stand trial sometime next year.

When traveling through New Mexico, only two kinds of billboards dot the lonely stretch of road that makes up I-10. One advertising the roadside attraction “The Thing….What is it?”, and the other, lesser known but no less important sign for Crazy Capt. Carls Crab Concession Stand and Carry home Keeper Critters.

One of the many characters you'll meet while at Crazy Capt. Carls

While most drivers stop at the more famous Things roadside yellow building, the ones that continue on down the road to Crazy Capt. Carls Crab Concession Stand and Carry Home Keeper Critters are most certainly in for an adventurous treat.

As you pull off the Stanton exit, the first sight you’ll see is the unmistakable giant red crab legs that stick up from the ground and hover ominously over the dull purple and sienna colored building that was once a Walgreens but has since been remodeled to hold over four hundred thousand crabs.

The next thing you notice as you park your car is the horribly foul stench of dead crab. Try as you might, you can’t get that smell out of your nose, and for good reason, thousands upon thousands of dead or dying crabs litter the two acre parking lot, basking and baking in the unbelievably hot New Mexico sun. Crazy Capt. Carl says that he leaves the dead crustaceans there so as to “add to the ambiance”. What ever his reason, it makes an impact and left us feeling….Crab-tacular!

Walking up to the doors of Crazy Capt. Carls Crab Concession Stand and Carry home Keeper Critters and you will be greeted by the ticket girl, known only as Endora. This 67 year old ball of captivating cantankerous whimsy sits in her booth, day after day, dressed as a crab and complaining of a boil that seems to always be in need of a good drain. After paying the 25 cent cover, Endora then presses her claw to the door and you are suddenly transported inside. (a brief note, once inside you may get the feel like you have arrived into one of the rougher parts of Baltimore but with the unmistakable, and now travel companion for at least your next six showers, stench of crab)

I won’t describe anymore, for you must experience the magical play area that is Crazy Capt. Carls Crab Concession stand and Carry  home Keeper Critters for yourself. I will give one more bit of praise though, upon arriving home I found an added bonus to my already high spirits. The carry home Keeper Critters in the title of the place refer to the crab lice I somehow received while there. I believe I got them while riding the Crab Coaster, but when I asked Crazy Carl all he would tell me was that” the mystery is simply part of the magic”.

Go there today.

In a vote of almost 10 to 1 by the Pacific coast shark community,  a decision was made that would bring a rise to your chances of being attacked by a shark after they announced they would be coming ashore next Tuesday.

The decision came about after a Sea World raised and educated Hammerhead shark invented a s.c.u.b.a. like breathing apparatus, which would make landfall possible for sharks. Soon after it was invented, mass production of the gear began and ballets were cast for a vote on whether or not to go ashore, also known as prop.8.

Scientists are shocked that sharks had the technology to even to do this, let alone the capabilities. Marine biologist Mark Nedford, who has studied  the Great White shark for the better part of twenty years after his brother was killed by one while vacationing in Australia, gave us his reaction to the sharks move, “Look, sharks have been coming ashore for a while now, take my brother for instance, most know he was killed while on vacation, but what they don’t know is that he was killed while attending a dinner party at a friends beach house.  No one believed me when it happened, especially the police. They said I was crazy to suspect that a Great White had held its breath and ran up ashore to eat him, but it’s now me who can laugh at them(he starts to do this odd chuckle, kind of a hic-up crossed with a wheeze). All those people that died the summer following my brothers death would still be alive had the mayor just listened to me and closed the beaches(he begins to cry……then it gets awkward so I stop the interview saying I got to pick up my kids)”

Hospitals are starting to prepare for the worst and police are telling everyone to just stay indoors Tuesday and not let anyone in you don’t know on account that it may be a shark in disguise.

A rare photo of a shark on land

But P.E.T.A. is saying for people to not be afraid, even going so far as to be on the beaches that the sharks are planning to be at. No one is planning to try and stop them in hope that they supply enough food for the sharks to make them just go back into the ocean…….because honestly, no one really likes P.E.T.A., you may agree with what they represent but you have to admit their tactics for getting things done are just plain retarded…….kind of like this post.

Kim Jong "freeze" pose

North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il was once a championship break dancer.

Sometime during the 80′s, prior to his rise to current dictatorship, Kim Jong Il or Lil Kimmie as he was known back then,  had dreams of one day becoming the worlds top break dancer. Robby “Robotic” Richards who was the former editor of the now defunct break dancing magazine “Street Grooves”, talked to us and told us all about it.

” What people don’t know is that North Korea’s so called Beloved Leader was probably one of the greatest street dancers that ever lived, he was b-boying before anybody even knew what b-boying was. When he was 17 he moved to New York to study dance at NYU and was placed in a dorm with Fab5 Freddy. Initially the two didn’t quite hit it off, his strict communist upbringing clashed with Fab5′s cool street attitude, but after witnessing his roommate  popping and locking in preparation for an upcoming dance off, his curiosity got the better of him and they became fast friends. Credit for the design of  moves such as the Pike and Windmill fall directly on Kim Jong, and he holds the world record for longest continuous use of the Centipede. After some initial success on Star Search where his Rock Steady Crew finished first, he had a blink and you’ll miss him role in the film Breakin. Sadly though, his dreams were shattered following the death of his father and he rose to his current standing as feared dictator of North Korea.”

As you can see I’m back after a little bit of a hiatus.

I didn’t want to take a break but the powers that be decided to suspend this website on account of me saying something they think I should not have said.  The thing is, it’s my site. I pay for it and design it myself so how can I be censored by someone that has absolutely nothing to do with it?(well, they do own the server this site sits on)

They can’t, that’s how.

So I’m back.

Thank you for your patience.

All this talk of aliens and the question of “are they among us”, makes me wonder, why can’t I see a U.F.O?

Seriously. Why the fuck can’t I get video, take a picture of, be abducted by, move next door to and alien ship or anything alien related that will put me on a short segment of “Inside Edition”?

First off, the film “The Fourth Kind”, what the hell was that exactly?

Okay, I can buy that everyone in the town that the film took place in was either being abducted or gangbanged by some really, really pissed off aliens. The problem I had with the movie was (besides the face that Mila Jovidovich can’t act……oooooo ZING!!!) that the woman being interviewed could not act what-so-ever. If there ever was a time for a film to hire an actor to reenact a scene that would mimic the actual incident of being interviewed, than this was one of those times.

I get that the director was going for realism, showcasing side by side comparisons of film involving paid actors(if you can call Mila Jovidovich and actor……..oooooooo double ZING!!!) vs. actual footage, but the woman being interviewed was just hella bad.

But enough about that, why can’t I see an alien? I watch Destination Truth, Fact or Faked, Monster Quest and So You Think You Can Dance, only for the fact that I so want those kinds of things showcased to be real. Yet, I’m still iffy on the subject of aliens(not illegal aliens though, I do live in Arizona and this state doesn’t believe in aliens of any kind……….oooooooo that’s a triple ZINGER!!!! in one post……….Mila Jovidovich can’t act).

I live in Phoenix, Az, which is a hotbed of saucer shaped sightings, which is right down the road from Lake Havasu, the U.F.O sighting capital of America, you’d think I would have seen something by now, right?

Wrong. I ain’t seen shit. Not for lack of trying either. Plus, I drive to L.A. once a week, you’d think that just one time while driving through the dessert I would have seen E.T. on a sand dune, doing his thing to a confused cow. Shit, I’m lucky if I see a lizard sitting on a rock.

So what’s the point? I don’t really know. Are we alone in the universe? Is there life in the far reaches of space? Do you believe in aliens?

The better question is this, do aliens believe in you?

A bill was introduced today that would make teen pregnancy almost obsolete if passed. Bill 3237.8 is one that would require every American girl, once they turn the age of 13, to go through a procedure that would insert a micro chip into their lower abdomen, making it impossible for the girl to get pregnant.  Once the girl then turns 18, they would have the option of having the chip removed, though Alabama wants the suggestion given that they wait until married to have the chip removed.

 According to scientists who invented the chip, the girl will have everything in her body progress as normal, which includes them having a regular menstruation period, angry moodswings, and of course, the all important breast development.

“These are the things that every teen girl must go through,” So says Dr. Oliver Pantackie, who designed the chip and hopes to see its use in the coming years, “they are the factors that so decide the woman hierarchy. They have the mood swings so as to decide their bitch factor and the size of their breasts defines and decides how far they may progress in society. This chip will not hinder or stall any form of these developments.”

Womens rights organizations are split down the middle as to how they should respond to the chip. Some say that it gives a woman more freedom as to how she will treat her body, others saying that the chip will only make an army of adolescent “teen sluts”.

“Woman Now”, the Florida based movement has already released an advertisement in opposition of the chip. The ad shows a young girl lying down on her bed, a wide shot of her room slowly begins to showrow after row of teen boys waiting to jump in bed with her, as the screen goes blank, a tag line reads “With no responsibility, comes great De-flowering.” Congress has yet to release a statement in response to a growing sense of unease generated by ads like this, despite the fact that the bill goes before the Senate next month.

A young and very scared Barry Manilow wrote the hit song “Copacabana” while sitting in a Mexican jail cell when he was only 22. He was there awaiting trial for drug trafficking and wrote the song on used toilet paper rolls during his 14 month stay. It is of interesting note that he was later acquitted of all charges but has yet to ever go back to Mexico, saying in a recent interview in Spin magazine, “Fuck Mexico! They hurt me…….they hurt me real bad….”

The Phoenix city council voted 8-4 to change the cities slogan from, Phoenix: That’s Hot…, to the more honest, Phoenix: It’s a city!!!.

The decision came about after the council questioned whether or not the old Paris Hilton coined catch phrase really put the city as a hip or young place to be for future businesses. Once it was decided that the slogan was actually hurting the cities image, as well as the fact that No one cares about Paris Hilton anymore, the council chose to begin looking for a new ad campaign slogan.

After a month of contests and meetings, the city voted on the slogan, Phoenix: It’s a city!!!, over other choices such as, Phoenix: Mexico City has more kidnappings than us!!!, and, Phoenix: It’s in the dessert!!!.

The council wanted an honest and catchy slogan that spoke positively about the nations fifth largest city, making it inviting to anyone looking to move.

Recently Phoenix has been thrown into a negative light after the news came out that it had the worlds second highest number of kidnappings for any major city(Mexico City being number one). When the call went out to the residents of Phoenix to try and come up with something positive to say about their hometown(and the chance to win a $1000) the council was pleasantly surprised when a larger than expected number of entries came their way.

Finally, after all thirty-three entries were read and evaluated , the winning entry was voted on by the council. The new slogan is expected to be publicly unveiled on August 28th, 2010 in a series of advertisements and word of mouth.

Item: Where were my summer months held?

Why in Rome of course.

I normally hate catchy sayings or slogans, but with Rome I tend to make an exception. To be among the ruins of old you can not help but feel alive.

So, as the saying goes, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Eat a lot, and fight with Christians.

I know that’s what I did.